I happened to tune in to CNN news this morning on the television. That was the device we used to use in the days before the internet. There was a young lady reading the news who had obviously failed at her first choice profession of nursery school teacher because her condescending manner and her fixed grin would have been too nauseating for even the most precious four year old.
She described a new genus of crustacean that had been found deep in the Pacific.
“It is about 15cms long, that’s the size of a salad plate”. I had to rewind to make sure that my hearing was not deceiving me. I don’t mind being told about how big a centimetre is. It was inches, feet, yards, chains and furlongs when I was at school, and I think in those terms. I would tell you how many years ago that was, but for all I know they have since changed the standard measure of time from years and days to be something based upon the lifecycle of a marmoset. That is not the point I was intending to make. I suppose it would have been too easy to say “15 centimetres, that’s about six inches, for all the geriatrics out there”. And yes, I know that men traditionally have a false impression of what six inches is, but, frankly, that would have been good enough for me. I am unlikely ever to come across this creature, or to need to know its precise size, unless I get a job as lobster measurer at the North East Hampshire School of Malacostracology.
But no, a salad plate. Bollocks. Come on, which of you demented bastards out there has a plate specifically for salad?
I need to divert a little. I am not by nature sexist in my outlook, but I do adhere to the conviction that salad is for girls. Salad should only be eaten as a penance. If Mrs S prepared a meal accompanied by salad she would hide it under a lentil or something.
So, what is all this “salad plate” shit? And what, in the name of bollocks, is CNN doing by using such comparisons? Are there really people out there who live in this bizarre universe where it is necessary to define crockery other than by the simple terms “big” and “small”? If there are such people, then I would suggest that they are probably much too busy measuring their falafel skewers to be tuning in to world news programmes.